Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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