the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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