Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
