Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
