why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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