last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
