I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
