Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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