I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
