Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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