i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
