She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
