it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
