My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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