did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
