You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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