How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
