I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
