i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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