I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
