I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
