She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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