remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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