I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
