i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
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