Define "chronic" masturbator.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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