now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
