true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
