I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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