I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
