Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
