I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
where are my eyebrows?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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