They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
