the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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