i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
