I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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