I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
