Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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