We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
