Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
