I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
