my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
