Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
