I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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