I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
