I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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