Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
