i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
