I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
