the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
