She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
