Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
