God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
