I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
