he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
