I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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